Wife Dreams of Sex

Monday was one of those post-call days where neither my wife nor I knew what to expect from the other. After minor clashes over the weekend, neither one of us knew what to expect. Was this a "post-call-sex" morning? Or would it be a morning where we each busied ourselves with productive tasks. Or perhaps it would be one of those days where we busy ourselves with productive tasks in the morning, go out to lunch, and enjoy some sex upon returning home?

As I returned from the gym, my wife was working on her laptop in the family room. But she seemed in a good mood, and was talkative. But she had more work to do, and due to her work schedule, she had not had a shower since Friday. So i wouldn't be getting too close until after her shower. I waited around for awhile, working in my office, until finally I went to wash the gym sweat off. Since my wife didn't come upstairs, I went ahead and got dressed.

Only much later did my wife realize I had showered and dressed. And she got a disappointed look on her face. After some playful banter about what we each wanted to do, she went to take her shower. And much later, when she was finished, I went upstairs to greet her coming out of the bathroom. So apparently our disagreements were behind us.

There was one brief discussion of it. When she mentioned being upset over my criticism, I asked her why my pointing out something that bothered me was constantly criticizing, whereas when she points out things I do that bother her it is evidence of her new found confidence and assertiveness; something to be proud of. When she mentioned it was because I was so often critical, I pointed out that I didn't think I was all that critical anymore (I'm not) and she agreed that she had been the brunt of much criticism at work the past week or two and was more sensitive. So it was nice to get that out of the way before going upstairs.

Then this morning, my wife mentioned having a dream. In her dream, I woke her up at 11:00 and we had sex. In fact, I woke her up at 10:30 and we were done by 11:00. It was a one-sided quickie, with me the main beneficiary. And we were both so groggy that neither one of us remembers exactly how it happened. I think she woke me when she came back from saying goodnight to our daughters. I recall her cuddling and making sounds that suggested she wanted sex. And I think that by the time I finally woke up, she had started to drift off to sleep. And instead of going back to sleep myself, I pushed the sex thing a little more forcefully than I normally would. And she was much more receptive to it than she normally is. What ever happened, it was fun and didn't seem too inconvenient for her.

And as an added benefit, we were both in good moods this morning.

Making Her Upset

Last night I managed to send my wife into a "get me a glass of wine" tizzy. A "retreat to the basement until bedtime" upset. And it happened so easily!

My wife spent three hours at the hairdresser in the morning, having her hairdresser repair a botched coloring job she received just prior to her last business trip. After coming home, she made herself lunch, put away her dirty dishes, and then retreated to the basement for several hours to do beading projects. When she came back up, it was 4:00 and she inquired if I would like her to get something for dinner.

Since she was post-call, I had not made any major plans for dinner. I welcomed the idea that she would take some initiative about our dinner, so I accepted her offer. The offer was made because she had already agreed to take YD shopping for more fruit to add to YD's fruit salad, and the fish store is right next door. Still, it was a nice offer and I accepted.

They were gone for an hour. I think I could have done the trip in 30 minutes, but that's just me. Unfortunately, by the time they returned it was 5:00 and I was pretty hungry. I get grouchy when I'm hungry. I have also had to cut back on my carbohydrate intake, and that also makes me grouchy. But I was still happy that my wife was taking some initiative about dinner. So I asked how she was planning to make the fish.

"I don't know. How about you look up a recipe for us?"

Wrong answer. Wrong approach. At 5:00, I don't want to be wondering how to cook something. And I don't want to be finding a bunch of recipes for which we don't have all the ingredients. But I tried anyway. I tried 4 likely cookbooks, including a Williams-Sonoma book entitled "Fish. None of the books had recipes. I checked on line, and found several delicious recipes for Striped bass, but we didn't have all the ingredients required for any of them (Kale?)

So with some disgust, I told her she was on her own. And I expressed some dissatisfaction with the idea that she would buy fish without having any idea how she (we) would cook it.

And then she got upset. Upset that I was criticizing her. That she and I had different ways of handling things, and I was always so critical of her way. Eventually, she improvised something, as she often does, and I can't, and it included using white wine with some seasonings. And then she got to drink some white wine before/during/after dinner. And immediately after dinner she retreated again to the basement. We exchanged hardly any words the remainder of the night.

I felt a bit awkward since most of this occurred in the presence of our daughters. I tried to make the best of it, pointing out to my girls that everybody disagrees about some things once in awhile. And it was a civilized disagreement, with no raised voices or thrown objects. But my daughters knew my wife was in a fowl mood, and it was my fault.

I'm still not sure what I could have done to avoid this from happening. I don't think her approach was a wise one. And turning something I was appreciating (her handling dinner) into a problem for me to fix (how should we cook it?) isn't a good way to do things, whether at home or work. And during our dinner table discussion, when she mentioned that I was critical much more frequently than I compliment her on how well she handled a situation, I admit I was speechless. Part of me acknowledges the truth of the statement. But I also know that the main reason for that is that she doesn't handle situations around me, she either leaves them to me while she does her own thing, or she's not around (even if she's in our house). But that was definitely something that I didn't want to raise in front of our daughters at the dinner table. And while I was thinking about raising it later that night, neither one of us appeared to be in a mood for further discussions.

So we spooned up next to one another in bed and fell asleep.

Eating Too Much

I suppose it was too good to last. When my personal trainer plugged my statistics into a base metabolic rate calculator, it said I could eat 3800 calories and maintain my weight. Using a 500 calorie per day deficit to help me lose weight, I was still trying to eat 3300 calories. Which  is a lot of food. And which made me careful not to talk about my new dietary challenge around women, who more often consume 1200-1500 calories per day.

Alas, after two weeks at that level, I had gained some muscle, and lost very little fat. So we dropped my caloric intake by 300-400 per day, still putting me around 3000 calories per day. And today? After a disappointing reading on the scale, we dropped my calories to the more respectable 2600 calories per day, with 40% from protein and 30% each from carbs and healthy fats.

A small voice in my head says I should find those two women that overheard me talking about my 3300 calorie diet and confess my new, much lower, calorie intake.

Making Progress

About one week ago, someone visited DH's blog and called him out: said he was doing the same thing he was when he started the blog, and to get himself in gear before life passed him by (I'm paraphrasing). When I read the comment, I immediately wondered how applicable it might be to my situation. Lo and behold, several days ago an anonymous poster came by to accuse me of the same thing as DH. So since I was already thinking along those lines.....

What has changed in the past several years?

1. I have much different expectations for my sex life, and consequently don't harbor bad feelings about it. I learned that while I wasn't getting enough to please me, or meet the doctor-recommended quantities, I am probably getting more than anyone else in my neighborhood.
2. When my wife and I do have time for sex, she is a much better lover. She is more involved, and less a passive participant.
3. I've explored several business opportunities, most recently opening a guitar store. So far I haven't developed a business model that would be profitable, but I'm still trying. This is more than idle thinking: I have obtained a business name and sales tax ID, trade journals, and contacted several manufacturers to learn the economics of their dealership agreements.
4. I've decided that my wife is sorry for yielding to the temptation of an affair, and that she forgives me for my later affair. Our relationship is far from perfect, but we both are trying to make it last. And this summer it will be 20 years!
5. I have started to go out in the evenings when there are things I want to do. My daughters are old enough that, even if my my wife isn't home, I can leave them alone for hours (except on school nights. That never works out well)
6. I have ruled out the idea of having an affair in the future. It was a thrill while it lasted. But if I want to meet women for sex, then I'll do it in the far future when my wife and I re no longer married.
7. Did I mention that my wife and I have problems, but that they are not as bad as the problems many other married couples face?
8. I try to spend at least 5 minutes per day being thankful for the things I do have in my life. Its a good attitude adjuster.
9. I've investigated several opportunities to do volunteer work. So far, nothing has fit with my schedule.
10. I'm happier. Despite what may seem like frequent complaints on this blog, I'm generally pretty happy during most days. My relationship with OD is better than ever, and certainly closer that her relationship with her mom (at this age, anyway!)
11. I spend more time trading stocks, and making money. I love trading stocks, and am happy to be able to do well at it (except for January 2008. What an ugly month that was!)

Complaining Daily

Throughout my life I have had anxiety. Sometimes this anxiety has been a hindrance to achieving my desires in life, and sometimes it hasn't. Sometimes I have sought medication to break the cycle of anxiety, but most times in my life I have chosen to live unmedicated. But since I choose to mostly live without medication, I do have an interest in behavioral modification methods for minimizing the impact of my anxiety. And one of those methods I have often seen is the idea that for 5 or 10 minutes per day, you should worry. About everything and anything that might be possible to worry. 

And then..... move on. And so I tend to do this. Whether by expressing worries about things, or complaining about things, I spend a short amount of time, most days but not all, worrying and/or complaining. Getting it out of my system, so to speak.

One of the most difficult things about the "Stay-at-home-Dad" job, for me, has been the social isolation. I have no close friends, and no close family members. I have nobody to enjoy a morning coffee with. When my daughters were younger, we didn't have any regular play groups, once my wife uprooted us for the first of two job relocations. Not having an office to work at, there is no equivalent, for me, of the water cooler.

And so I've found the practice of blogging to be my replacement water cooler. And I apologize to those that read this thinking I spend my days complaining. Because I don't, really. There are certainly some things that bother me, sometimes more so than other times. But I don't think that's abnormal. And that is something that I have learned through blogging, and reading the blogs of others.

In my next post, I hope to address some of the things I've learned in my several years (I can't believe it!) of blogging.

Busy Dad

Its been a busy week. Both daughters have had school activities, with more to come this weekend. It is my wife's first week back at work after her business trip, and they have welcomed her back with long hours and after-work business conference calls. She has found time to provide me with the odd minor irritation here and there (expressing surprise that YD had dance class on Wednesday afternoon, when its been her one non-school activity all school year and not helping AT ALL with the rice krispies treats that OD & I made last night for her weekend activities). There was also a weird situation where even thought OD was showing some artwork at school in the art show, she didn't have any interest in going with me to point it out or make sure I saw it (as a result, I missed at least one of her pieces).

A definite highlight for me was watching YD sing in her chorus concert. She seemed expressive and enjoyed her singing, and the show was, therefore, to me a success. While in our seats, my ex-lover passed by several rows in front of us (boy has she gotten HUGE!) , but my wife and I haven't had any time to talk about that, or anything else. In fact, she doesn't even know that I visited a stereo store on Monday, and they came to our house yesterday, to work on our whole house audio system, which is failing. At least the possible expenses related to the stereo system have caused me to postpone any further guitar purchases.

Miss Her

Sometimes, my words as written in this blog fail to convey what I am thinking. I find that this is usually due to an inability, on my part, to choose words that reflect my emotions without the added clues of vocal inflection and intonation. I notice this most often when commenters make energetic criticisms of my actions. Often, when I reread my entry, in light of their comments, I see how they were interpreted in a way that I didn't mean them. Always, I consider the comments and try to see if they feel true to me. 

From my last post (or two) you might think I have no feelings for my wife. But I do. Sometimes I think there should be more, and sometimes I am accepting of what we have (which is so much better than what many others have). I've always been a perfectionist, and I find myself wanting a more perfect union. But for now, I have accepted that I won't have that in my life. I hope that will change. And as my wife and I continue to grow, as do our children, and our lifestyle changes with the eventual departure of OD for college in three years, my wife and I may very well grow together again.

Or we may not.

By then, I may have a job outside the house. Or I may not. I may continue to trade stocks during the day, and become more advanced in my capabilities with the extra time afforded me when OD goes to college.

There will be many forks in my road, as there have been in my past. There will be many choices that are unknown. And so I stay here in my marriage. Its not bad enough to send me away.

In fact, even today I found myself missing my wife. She's been home since Sunday, but we've had very little time alone together to talk, hug, or kiss. Most of our time alone has been cuddling in bed as we drift off to sleep. Just like many married couples, I suppose.

Supportive Spouse

A recent comment asked why my wife would choose to stay with me?  Since she is newly "hot" and intelligent, with a high paying job, and a husband that rarely "clicks" with her, it is a valid question. I suspect some of it is because I am a very supportive person. In fact, I am probably too supportive.

My wife rarely lifts a finger around the house to do anything. And yet, everything gets done. Her lunch bag appears almost every morning, packed with healthy lunch and snacks to help her make it through the day without a headache or pigging out on candy or pizza. I wake her when she sleeps through her alarm every morning, and I bring her coffee as soon as she steps out of the shower. The bills are always paid (and she HATES finances). And am good with our daughters, so she never worries about the care they receive in her absence. I take care of myself, so I'm not hard on her eyes. And I don't have expensive habits, so I'm not burning through her paycheck (in fact, I am quite conservative with our finances).

So all in all, as another commenter suggested, from her eyes as sell as mine, our marriage is not bad enough to end, but not good enough to be a major source of happiness.

And then again, as another commenter wrote awhile back, perhaps the general "contentment" I experience is hat passes for happiness after the thrill is gone (Thank You, B.B. King!)