The Grass Is Always Greener Somewhere Else

My wife came back from her trip last night, as originally scheduled. And she was very happy to be back home. Happy to be back home didn’t surprise me, but the fact that she did return as originally scheduled, rather than take an extra day on the beach, did.

The appeal to a parent of reliving scenes from their youth, especially if they spent that youth at the beach, can’t be denied. What parent hasn’t fantasized about taking a vacation away from the domestic and parenting demands of daily life. But the reality of this, I suspect for most of us, doesn’t quite measure up to the ideal we portray in our head.

My wife went to her hometown and stayed with one of her dearest high school friends. This friends life trajectory couldn’t be more different than my wife’s. My wife graduated high school, headed to an Ivy League college, relentlessly pursued entrance to medical school (which did not come easy for her), did her residency at a prestigious institution, and went on to become a very successful and well-liked doctor. See (and I) have the physical and monetary rewards that accompany such a path. We have two wonderful daughters that have benefited from first 5 years of a caring nanny, and then 10+ years of an at-home-Dad.

Her friends responsibilities started shortly after high school when she became pregnant. She has gone down the single-motherhood road, and has 4 children in their 20s, three of whom live with her. Two of the three that live with her are daughters, and between them they have 4 children, also with no father’s in their life. The adult children work as waiters and waitresses, with the odd shifts that those positions entail, leaving my wife’s friend in charge of of 4 children, 3 of whom are less than 4 years old. Supervision is light, at best. Temper tantrums are frequent, self-control is non-existant (they are young, after all), and my wife relied on glasses of wine. And did I mention that they are all heavy smokers, who all desire to quit but haven’t been able to, even with the aid of pharmaceuticals (which apparently gave them side effects).

My wife assures me that all these people were good people, and I have no doubt they are. They are just on a very different life path than ours. After spending a night sleeping next to her snoring friend, and in a house with 5 chain smokers, my wife thought it best to come home on schedule. And with a smile from ear to ear to be home again.

We may not have sand and the ocean within walking distance, but we have so much more. And sometimes its necessary to get away to better appreciate what you have.

Sex Before Vacation

Today my wife headed off to the beach town where she grew up. She plans to visit some friends with which she became reacquainted through Facebook (to which she has become addicted). She is planning to be gone through Friday night, but as she was leaving she admitted to having enough clothing for a third day, if she found the beach particularly appealing. While I don’t have any problem with her long absence, I feel certain that my daughters, and especially YD, will be disappointed if my wife chooses to spend her July 4th holiday away from home without them.

Since my anxiety ridden night several days ago, and an emergency long-expired Xanax, my mood has been great. I think that I needed something to break the circle of perception and feelings that was dragging me down. I know there are ways to do this without the use of pharmaceuticals, but either I don’t how to use them well enough or I waited to long to think about any of those methods. Whichever, I have told myself that I need to identify this sort of mental downward slope and try to arrest it earlier if it ever happens again (see? I used if instead of when!)

I’ve been pretty pessimistic about my chances for sex this summer. With OD around the house most of the summer, and my wife not relaxing enough for sex with our daughters in the house, I figured it would be September before we returned to having a decent sex life. I was pleasantly surprised that we had sex on both Tuesday and Wednesday. Sex on Wednesday was particularly hot and exciting, as my wife had some waxing done on Tuesday afternoon: a Sphinx I believe is what they call it. The sex was great, especially for her, and it left me with some lasting images that will carry me well through our absence, even if it extends to three days. After she collapsed in our bed after coming for a second (or perhaps third) time, she managed to speak: <my firend’s name> doesn’t know what she’s missing! While I’ve pretty well given up on thoughts of sex with her friend, it was interesting to see that she hasn’t completely put the idea out of her head.

Lonely

The sleeping problems have only gotten worse. Tonight, I went to bed early and difficulty falling asleep. But by 10:30 I was asleep. But at 11:30 my wife came upstairs and I woke up. When she came to bed 15 minutes later, I spooned up next to her. She commented how I felt fgood, buthot. “My husband the furnace”. So I rolled over.

Since she had been gone all day at the polo match, I missed contact with an adult today. Coupled with her announcement that she was going riding tomorrow morning, gave me more of those feelings of being low on her priority list. But rationally I know that her 10:30 riding appointment will have little affect on me: I would normally be at the gym during that time.

Still, my mind has kicked in with thoughts of loneliness. I am reinterpreting my wife’s professions of love as being different than statements she wants to spend our lives together. Despite what her recent anniversary card stated.

I feel like my heart is racing. But my pulse checks say it isn’t. I feel some chest pain. Anxiety. Nothing which will help me sleep.

I may need to call my ex-therapist. Or I may need to start back on medication.

But I need to do something.

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Rummaged around the medicine cabinet, I found expired over-the-counter sleeping aid and expired Xanax. So I woke my wife, and she recommended the expired Xanax. We then talked for almost an hour, while my anxiety went away.

I would say last night is as close to a genuine anxiety attack as I've ever had in my life. I would even go so far as to suggest that many of my problems these past weeks have been a result of being in that frame of mind. Sometime around the end of the school year, thoughts of OD's finals and YD's recital bothered me. And I never broke out of that mindset.

I feel surprisingly good this morning, considering how little sleep I got. And I definitely feel like that downward spiral has been broken. I need to identify this broader problem earlier, should it recur.

Trouble Sleeping

I never sleep straight through the night. I usually wake up at least once, but usually twice, to hit the bathroom. If I drink too much before bedtime, I may even wake up three or four times to pee. But I always go right back to sleep. But not last night.

last night I woke up once to pee, and again at 3 AM when my wife went to pee. So of course I went to pee also. I returned and we cuddled briefly. But since she was very low in the bed, it wasn’t working and we separated. She drifted off to sleep, and I didn’t. It took me nearly an hour before I went to sleep for more than a few minutes. And when I have a hard time sleeping, it is almost always because I have unpleasant thoughts running through my head.

I’m having a hard time accepting the apparent no-win situation I face with my wife’s vacations. If she doesn’t plan to do things she enjoys, I inevitably hear her say, at the end of her time off from work, that she is upset that she didn’t do anything. She typically blames me for this, since my “jobs” don’t allow for vacations just because she has time off from work (which she receives in abundance). Other times, and this week is one of them, she does make plans and I am forced to confront the fact that over 10 days off from work, she will be away for nearly half of them. And one day she is here she needs a ride from me to pick her up from the car repair garage! Reminded of where on her priority list I, and our family, fit, I end up frustrated.

Last night I made the mistake of joking about her perhaps having a boyfriend that she would see at a polo match she plans to attend with some girlfriends later today. She has never attended a match before, but her friend, with whom she has been riding horses frequently and with whom she wanted me to sleep, has attended them. In fact, I think her friend may even have a lover who is a polo player. My joking seemed to bother her and later, in bed, I apologized. She said it didn’t bother her, but that she didn’t have a boyfriend. That I should know she didn’t have a boyfriend. Not that she hadn’t had thoughts about having one, mind you, but that she didn’t. Her off hand comment about thinking about having a boyfriend didn’t set well in my head at 3 AM.

What I didn’t think about was her friend that she wanted me to sleep with. Although my wife thought it was a good idea, and has encouraged me to befriend this woman through assorted electronic channels, the woman and I haven’t met. In fact, I have become pretty convinced that this woman’s enthusiasm for a possible relationship isn’t matched by my wife’s. Our conversations have tended to be initiated by me, and are mostly one-sided. As someone who spends much of his day near a computer, I an always on the prowl for real-world friends and, at some level, had hoped that perhaps this woman could be one. I am pretty sure that if it happens, it will be on a timeframe much slower than the one I had imagined.

Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to me! I’ve been married for 21 years. There were many times when I didn’t think I would see this landmark. But from here, I feel I can easily see another 10 or more. Hopefully as many as life affords me.

Astrology

My wife’s astrological profile:

Summary : Nomadic and chatty, The Gemini born a Tiger cannot stay in one place for more than a few hours without dreaming of parts unknown. Quirky, intelligent and lively, this person is a true original. Catch-me-if-you-can. And you just about never can.
Positive Traits : quick-wittedness, versatility, perspicacity, performance, flexibility, dexterity, fervor, good luck, bravery, benevolence, magnetism, authority
Negative Traits : impatience, self-deception, glibness, superficiality, inconstancy, indecisiveness, impetuosity, swagger, hotheadedness, intemperance, disobedience, itinerancy

I found it quite accurate. The negative traits will surprise nobody that has read my frequent posts complaining about something my wife has done, or left undone. Not surprisingly, the signs chosen as her best matches don’t include my Scorpio. But also perhaps surprisingly, I didn’t make it onto her list of worst matches.

I was also struck by the thought that since I met my wife, she has allowed more and more of her negative characteristic to manifest themselves. I’m not sure if this is a twisted result of her therapy, wherein she learned to better express herself. But becoming more superficial, with added swagger and inconstancy doesn’t strike this Scorpio as an improvement.

Party Stress

YD’s birthday falls in the middle of June, which is a bad time from a scheduling perspective (yes, I’m to blame!). The end of the school year, end-of-year-recitals, Father’s Day and my wife’s birthday all combine to make our schedule unusually busy during this time. And for many years, my daughters party often fell into very late June. But now that she is turning 13, she is no longer interested in not having her birthday party as close to her actual birthday as possible.

Unlike OD, YD has quite a few friends. So the invitation list for her party tends towards 12, rather than the 4 or 5 that OD invited. Plus YD always tries to incorporate some of the best features from others parties during the year into her party. So this year, we are working on a sleepover party for about 10 guests, coupled with a scavenger hunt at our house and a roller skating outing. Somewhere there will also be a pizza dinner and birthday cake. And a very little sleeping. With YD’s piano recital on Sunday, I am hoping there is more than a little sleeping, but I’m not counting on it.

The end result is I’m more stressed that most times during the year. Its my final sprint before the start of summer vacation.

On a brighter note, my wife woke up wanting sex on Sunday morning. While our streak continues strong, I think its on its last legs. During the summer, there are very few times when my wife and I are alone together in our house.